Words of the Month
Success, Victory, Triumph
By the time we’re adults, we’ve had millions of interactions with countless people. Some people support our goals and some people don’t. I bet you can recall a person who made you feel like you could accomplish anything. S/he may have seen more in you than you even saw in yourself. In contrast, I’m sure you remember people who cut you down and made you feel small—like you may as well not even try. Which voices do you play back when you’re working to achieve your goals? Probably both. Here’s why.
The more emotionally intense our interactions feel, the more intensely we remember them. This is how memory functions. Emotionally rich experiences dominate our memories because “Noradrenaline …stimulates the amygdala and hippocampus [in the brain] in ways that make memory traces last longer.”[1]
Internalizing Negative Voices
When both positive and negative messages get replayed, which one wins the battle? Often it’s the negative ones because negative emotions usually feel stronger. Also, we may get tired of fighting the negative voices inside our heads and eventually give up. Then the voices go underground leaving us unconscious of their continuing influence.Once we’ve internalized the negative voices, we often come to think, “Oh, well. That’s just the way life is.” But is it?
The Inner War
What if you could get the negative voices outside your head, make the positive ones louder and more prominent, and succeed at your goals—even audacious, pie-in-the-sky goals?
Here’s how I overcame the negative voices when I finally published my first book in November of 2015.
I had already started my book when I sat down to write, in earnest, with the goal of publishing. This is when the inner war began. The positive voices cheering me on were those of teachers, professors, mentors, and readers of my other manuscripts and published articles. I could hear their complimentary, supportive voices and felt buoyant, alive, optimistic, talented, and hopeful.
In the wake of my happiness, the negative voices came on like a flood. These voices belonged to a close friend, a family member, and what I considered the prevailing social concepts about being an author. I felt demoralized, crushed, ignorant, unworthy, and hopeless. Each time those negative voices played their ugly tune, my inspiration and will to create froze up.
Then I had an idea. Using a concept from family constellations,[2] I thought about how those voices got in my head. At one time those voices belonged to people who stood outside of me. Those people were no longer there, but I’d taken their voices inside myself where they kept playing over and over again. I realized I had to take them out of my head and put them back outside myself.
Objectifying Negative Voices
When I had this realization, I was sitting at my dining room table staring at a roll of chicken wire sitting on the floor by the sliding glass patio doors. I’d been using the chicken wire to protect new plants in my garden from the rabbits and hadn’t put the wire back in the garage yet. Instead of putting it away, I decided to use the chicken wire to protect my newly hatched ideas from the negative voices that were drowning out my inspiration to create.
I picked up the chicken wire and brought it outside to my patio table. I imagined the roll of chicken wire to be a collection of all the negative voices and people that were trapped inside my head and told them to leave. I left the chicken wire outside and went back inside to work.
I recalled all the positive words people had said to me about my writing and added them to the supportive words of my current writing instructor. By the time I’d reviewed all the positive voices, I felt renewed, empowered, and positively connected to my goal. I felt a surge of knowing I’d finish my book and could clearly see it in print.
Knowing I’d make it to the finish didn’t end the stream of negative voices. But each time I heard one of these voices interrupt my positive flow I would tell it to back off. I’d look at the chicken wire through the window and say, “I don’t have time to listen to you. I’m busy. Go away.”
Sometimes I wasn’t that polite! The “f” word flew out a few times as I put those voices in their place. I defended my 
boundaries.
As an added support to my process, I only invited people into my life that supported my goal. I didn’t speak about my book to people who might not share my enthusiasm. I protected my goal the way a mother protects her newborn.
Each obstacle I met along the way, whether writing, technology, or something else, I threw to the chicken wire and problem-solved it to completion. Finally, it was time to publish. The elation of having made it past the voices felt like standing atop a mountain and planting my flag. There is no sweeter victory than beating the inner “demons.”
Overcome Negative Voices
I’m sharing this story because I believe anyone can remove the naysayers from their head to accomplish their heartfelt goals. Just choose an appropriate object to represent the negative voices, find a place for it that feels suitably distant so it’s outside your safe boundaries, then cultivate the positive voices. Repeat each time the negative voices creep in.
You can also choose an object to represent the positive voices and keep it in your pocket, on your desk, or wear it as jewelry. I keep several items in my workspace when I write to help me cultivate the cheerleader voices inside my head and remind me of my spiritual resources.
Consciously cultivating the voices you want to hear and removing the ones you wish to leave behind will empower you to succeed at your goals. Winning the inner victory is the true glory for the real enemy often lies within. It’s fabulous and satisfying to reach your worldly goal as well!
Please share your experiences in the comments below. I’d love to hear how you overcome your own obstacles to succeed.
suc·cess
səkˈses/
Achievement of an intended goal
vic·to·ry
ˈvikt(ə)rē/
Success, triumph, mastery
Footnotes
[1] http://www.usc.edu/projects/matherlab/pdfs/Mather2015EmoMem.pdf
http://bbs.utdallas.edu/neurobiologyofmemorylab/publications/pdf/amygdala-modulation.pdf
[2] What Are Family Constellations? Bert Hellinger created the term “Family Constellations” to describe multi-generational family patterns, both negative and positive, based on love and loyalty.
During a Family Constellations process, the facilitator sets up a 3-dimensional map of a dynamic, which is brought to life in a facilitated process with an individual or group. This process makes visible the once-hidden source of lifelong tensions and drama playing out in our lives.
Out in the open, the tensions of these dynamics, once frozen in time, can start moving toward clarity and resolution. When we learn about, experience, and see the dynamics of an issue traced through layers of generations in our family constellation, our hearts and bodies begin to shift what our minds often struggle to resolve.
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